


Devils Roll the Dice, Angels Roll Their Eyes

by ava_bbb



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Cult Bellamy, F/M, Fix-It, Fuck the Sanctum story line, Hallucinations, I would call this s7 speculation but we already know none of it is happening, Indra regained power at the end of 7x10, Laws of science don’t apply here, Lots of Radio Calls!, Maybe some character death??, Mostly canon compliant up until 7x12, Psychological Torture, Radio Calls, References to Suicide, The 100 (TV) Season 7, but neither do they on the show, only for a bit though, references to Greek mythology, slowish burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26326501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ava_bbb/pseuds/ava_bbb
Summary: It’s funny just how quickly life can change. Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds. Clarke should have been used to change now. The last almost seven years一technically 131 years of her life were ingrained with broken promises, pain, and chaos. Normally in that order.But, Bellamy's betrayal isn't something she saw coming.-season 7 canon divergence from the end of 7x11 with the Sanctum storyline ending in 7x10 and the main characters actually getting the screen time they deserve.title from cruel summer by taylor swift
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Eventual Gabtavia
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49





	1. Catastrophe

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends! this is my first fic and i'm excited to see where it will go. sorry in advance for any grammar errors (the american public school system failed to teach me grammar <3). the story starts out pretty slow but it's probably gonna get really complex just fyi. lol i hope you enjoy my nonsense.

It’s funny just how quickly life can change. In days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds. 

Clarke should have been used to change now. Life had a nasty habit of throwing the worst possible situations her way. There were no ‘half measures’ on Earth. The forces of nature didn’t care that she had just stopped the ‘bad guy’. Didn’t care if life as she knew it was in shambles or if she was devastatingly heartbroken. A good example being Praimfaya. Clarke never even got the chance to take a fucking breath after successfully shutting down the City of Light and preventing a full blown war between the grounder clans. And, it’s not like Praimfaya was gonna wait until she found herself ready. Instead it crept into Arkadia, looming over every single man, woman, and child. Casting the darkest shadow over Clarke herself.

She never had the chance to appreciate the irony in Arkadia’s name, in it’s infamous glory.

In Ancient times, Arcadia was deemed a mythical land, situated in the heart of Greece. A utopia of sorts; untouched by the harms of civilization, in complete harmony with nature, inhabited by shepherds that lived simple lives. The hundred’s Arkadia seemed to be everything but an idyllic countryside. 

But the list of ironic names went beyond just Arkadia. What she called Eden had fallen into the hands of two serpents. Two women who refused to shed their skin and start over again. And of course, with that the last habitable place on Earth fell to the Damocles bomb. 

Sanctum held no sanctity. Just the delusions of a man who had killed all the people he cared for. A false god trying to atone for his errors, at the cost of innocent people who sacrificed themselves for his cause.

The whole thing was paradoxical. When something bad  _ could  _ happen it always did. The last almost seven years一technically 131 years of her life were ingrained in broken promises, pain, and chaos. Normally in that order.

Wells ratting out her dad, watching her dad get floated, then getting arrested for treason. 

Being sent to the ground instead of being executed and literally everything that happened after brought nothing but pain and chaos.

Having to wait an extra year for her friends to come back down after Praimfaya, getting captured by the Eligius prisoners and everything after that, descended into total chaos.

She should have known. She should have realized. She should have asked to see the tape. She should have recognized the pattern. 

Cadogan told his men to stand down upon hearing what Bellamy said. It’s like the older man knew that the four of them wouldn’t move, that they couldn’t. The pain of feeling immense joy almost instantaneously overshadowed by sorrow and fear was debilitating. Any happiness that she felt when she saw her best friend alive vanished when his words to Cadogan ultimately fell out of his mouth. 

Bellamy betrayed her. And by proxy, all of their friends and his sister. He screwed everyone over.

His face was almost unrecognizable. Eyes lacking the usual joy that illuminated them every time the two reunited. In all their time together, she had never seen him look so exhausted. Even in the days of the Dropship, when every single member of the hundred was on edge because of the Grounder attacks, Bellamy never looked this tired and dejected. Clothes raggedy and layered on so heavily. She watched his legs shake slightly, as if he hadn’t eaten in days. He seemed like an imposter. Just a shell of her best friend.

Cadogan motioned Bellamy out of the room.  _ Please turn around. Please turn around. Please turn around.  _ She repeated the phrase in her head as if it were a mantra. 

Slowly drifting out of the room, he only ever slows down to let a guard in front of him. A trail of frayed strings from the legs of his pants follows him. The guards keep a hefty distance behind him, steering clear of the tripping hazard. Bellamy was really out of sight, in more ways than one. 

_ No. No. No.  _ Her mind screams. Bellamy Blake would never betray Clarke Griffin. Not like  _ this  _ . He had a heart of gold, built on a foundation of loyalty. Loyalty for the people he loved.

The room is so still. Filled by only the slight buzzing sound of the fluorescent lights above. Cadogan eyes are still zeroed in to the floor, clearly debating what call to make next. 

The blonde needs to turn around, assess Echo and Octavia. Gabriel would probably be confused as well, yet masking his confusion with his ever present stoic look. Clarke should say something; speak on their behalf. Prevent the scenario from escalating. Diffuse Echo’s anger before it gets out of control. Prevent Octavia sacrificing anything for the sake of her brother. Clarke could be the one to keep them in line.

_ But who keeps Clarke in line?  _ And just like that her heart breaks even more. He was the only person who ever showed her gratitude for everything that she did. The only person who cared unconditionally. 

For the smallest amount of time she thought that maybe一 just maybe she was overreacting, but her mind couldn’t mask the truth. Everyone in this room knew the truth,  _ that  _ really just happened. Judging by the others’ faces they knew too, another accession into chaos had begun. 

“We will have a discussion later Clarke,” Cadogan sighs as he loiters for another moment, before ultimately leaving the room.

Her heartbeat drowns out the sound of his footsteps. It’s beating too fast, obviously trying to make up for her lack of breath. She finds it impossible to breathe. By now, pain’s overwhelming presence should have felt familiar. She had carried so many people’s burdens since arriving on the ground. 

Her title of leader wasn’t earned by merit, but because she could make the decisions that everyone refused to make. She could be unattached. A master of compartmentalization. 

But, if Bellamy hadn’t agreed to stand beside her as co-leaders, Clarke would have drowned in guilt, the memory of everything she endured for her people weighing her down below the surface of the water. 

He pulled the lever with her at Mount Weather with very few questions asked. He didn’t need to know the depth of the water or what dangers may have lay in it, his instincts always won, completely willing to swim into uncharted territory to find her. 

He’d always find her, no matter how dark the water was, even if he had to give up a piece of himself to do it, even if everyone else stopped looking. Would always offer to carry more than half of the weight if it meant helping her. 

This time felt different. This time they were at completely different bodies of water. Bellamy would be half a world away, letting the waves lightly tap his ankles, thinking about how much he had missed the feeling of weightlessness. Not daring to go any further into the vast dark blue water. Meanwhile Clarke would be drowning somewhere impossibly far away, the water too dark to see how she could free herself, no way of knowing how far under she was. Eventually she would become conscious of the disillusionment that always lay hidden in her body, as it crept out of the crack in her heart. Once it infected all the crevices of her mind, with the weight of the world ceasing to become lighter, the  _ only choice  _ was to accept defeat, give in and sink. 

Any presence of hope vanishes from her body, escaping in the form of warm tears. The disillusionment spread, moving painstakingly from her heart up into her chest.

Gabriel finally breaks the dead silence, “Okay we need to talk about what the hell that just was.”

“Gabriel! Can’t you just give us a second, we’re reeli一” Octavia screeches, before Clarke cuts her off.

“Octavia一 he’s right. It’s only so long until Cadogan comes back. He knows I don’t have the flame now. And I’m guessing he’ll do whatever it takes to get it,” Clarke states, still trembling. 

_ Please don’t turn around. Please don’t turn around. Please don’t turn around.  _ She ignores the voice in her head, using the back of her hand to wipe away the fallen tears, and turns to meet the eyes of her two friends. Octavia’s body is already positioned to hers, but her eyes are focused elsewhere. The remnants of tears gleam on Octavia’s cheeks, but Clarke follows Octavia’s gaze to Echo. She remains planted in the same place, eyes still pinned to the door. 

Octavia huffs and glances to Clarke. “Okay. You guys wanna talk? I say we don’t tell them anything until we get Bellamy back. And whoever just walked through that door looking like a caveman, isn’t my brother I’m done playing games with these fucking weirdos.” 

Clarke lets out a laugh, “Ok fine I'll go next, I feel like a fucking idiot right now. I tell Bellamy not to tell Cadogan about not having the flame and what does he do next? Spins right back around and tells ‘ _ his Shepherd’  _ the exact words I told him not to say. I agree with you...that’s not Bellamy. But, Octavia一 we clearly hold none of the cards here, are you forgetting that? I don’t know what they did to him, but something’s telling me that we should be terrified. Murphy, Emori, Indra, and Gaia are the only ones of us not here. And, Madi is a fucking child. A child who has dealt with all this shit way too much already. And I’ve never heard Echo be so quiet in all these years of knowing her, so I’m not sure she’s ready to deal with some complicated plan. All of our other friends are locked away in rooms,” she exasperates. As much as hurts she continues, now whispering, “And Bell一Bellamy is gone for all we know. We cannot count on him this time.”

Clarke’s last sentence surprises Octavia, fire rages in her brown eyes as she creeps towards Clarke. She has her finger pointed at the blonde, as if ready to scold her. Gabriel swiftly blocks her path to Clarke, gripping her shoulders and refocuses the fire towards himself. “Both of you need to stop acting like children. I understand you’re confused, hurt, scared and whatever else, but you said it yourself Clarke, it’s only a matter of time before they want answers.” Gabriel steps away from Octavia and returns back his previous placement behind the large white table. “So sit down. Let’s figure this out.”

Octavia glares at Clarke once more before sitting down in the chair to her right. “For someone who’s so desperate for us to stop acting like kids, you sure are treating us like some,” Octavia gripes at the man across the table. Her taunt lacks the bite she previously had, the flames only simmering at this point.

The blonde catches Echo, with her head in her hands, sitting on the couch in the far corner.  _ Good.  _ The three of them didn’t need Echo’s temper right now. She was coming down from whatever  _ high  _ she was previously on, finally reaching her breaking point. Had Clarke known this was what it took to contain Echo, she would have found a way to completely disable her like this long ago, preferably when the Azgeda spy held a knife to her throat in Polis.

“Okay I need to know everything. From the beginning,” Clarke sighs, falling back into her seat.

─────

Gabriel didn’t seem to understand what school on the Ark was like. And it's not like he should’ve, he never sat down with some Arkadians and talked about their childhoods together, so of course the topic never came up. While he had a doctorate in genetics from an established university, Clarke and Octavia’s collective academic knowledge would most likely just barely earn them a high school diploma. Education on the Ark consisted of basic skills and learning whatever practice one was forced into at their station. Clarke had concluded, in all her years alone that the Ark had constructed lies and twisted the truth, somehow passing it off as fact in order to suppress its people. Prevent any one person from becoming too smart. Which may have been for the best, complete mutiny up in space seemed like a hard feat to deal with. 

Above all that, Octavia never had the opportunity to go to school. Everything she learned was from her brother who promised his sister a good life (or as good as it could be). The younger Blake joked about her first time in a classroom being a few days prior. Being forced to go to school with Disciple children. Not even that funny anecdote could lighten the mood.

Gabriel led off with the history of the Anomaly Stone, which Octavia interrupted to talk about the timeline of events since Hope forced her back into the Anomaly. 

Clarke still struggled to understand at least half of what the duo were saying. Where the timelines met up, what the Disciples’ endgame was, and most noticeably the time dilation thing. Octavia claimed that she just excessively nodded whenever Gabriel brought it up, because she still didn’t quite get it either, in which he rolled his eyes at. Their dynamic puzzled Clarke, she sensed some sort of underlying tension. If Clarke and Octavia argued like children, Gabriel and Octavia argued like an old married couple. 

Despite their constant bickering, Clarke had a brief, yet informative overview. Octavia recalled watching Bellamy get shot when he first arrived on Bardo. Clarke was so grateful that Octavia didn’t have to watch another person she loved get shot. Thankfully this wasn’t Lincoln, or in Clarke's case, Lexa.

Bellamy was still alive一 even if he wasn’t himself. That had to count for something.

Clarke sighs, completely overwhelmed by all of the information being thrown at her. “God, all of this is so fucking confusing and none of it makes sense,” she groans. “Who the hell supposedly cracked this code in the first place?”

“No idea, considering that I spent 150 years trying to do the exact same thing, with no progress whatsoever,” Gabriel grunts.

“Does it really matter? They don’t know the correct code so they’re preparing for a war that’s never coming, that’s one fewer  _ card  _ for them to hold over us Clarke.” The blonde rolls her eyes at Octavia. “Look Clarke, for the first time ever we actually have a way out. We can hop into the Anomaly and go back to Sanctum, it’s not like we have to wait six years this time, or go into cryogenic sleep for a century. Maybe we just give them the flame in exchange for Bellamy, the thing’s broken anyways.”

“But what about ‘Judgement Day’ or the ‘final test’? Becca must have seen something truly horrifying if she was willing to die before revealing it to Cadogan,” Clarke states.

“She said that  _ one  _ person can trigger it, so maybe we figure out who that is and stop the Disciples from getting them,” Gabriel adds.

“What if we go back to Sanctum? We wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore. The Disciples can do the ‘test’ by themselves.”

“I’m pretty sure Judgement Day or it’s ‘test’ equivalent impacts all of humanity. So that’s yet another problem to add to the list. And, I’m really starting to think that you’re not listening Octavia. If we somehow get off this planet safely we still have Bellamy to worry about. And, we still don’t know where he’s been or what happened to him. He looked at all of us like we were complete strangers and chose to help Cadogan instead of me? That’s extremely concerning,” once Clarke finishes Echo jumps up and storms to the door.

“I want to go back to my room,” she yells into the pa system on the wall, alerting the guards out in the hallway. Sure enough, two guards escort her out of the room. 

“Unbelievable,” Octavia mutters under her breath.

The all encompassing feeling of silence creeps back into the room. A flickering light in the blonde’s peripheral vision unerves her. It flickered randomly, just when she thought the light had finally gone out it started erratically blinking once again. She turns her head and forces her mind to another topic.

Clarke breaks the eerie silence, “So this m-cap thing… how does it work?” 

Octavia picks at her cuticles, just when Clarke thinks that she’s not paying attention she speaks up, “They strap you down in a chair and sift through your memories. Not a lot of fun I have to say, seeing all the dead people once in my life on a screen being watched by a bunch of freaks in white clothes.”

The blonde sees the corners of Gabriel’s mouth tilt up ever so slightly. Gabriel continues, “For some reason their information is about 130 years off about the flame. They woke up the Shepherd for you and now that he knows the flame isn’t here, Cadogan’s gonna get impatient. He’ll probably have Levitt look for it in your memories. Which is good because Levitt actually has morals and isn’t quite as ruthless as the rest of them.”

“They can just ‘capture’ my memories at the snap of Cadogan’s fingers? Tell me there’s a way to fight it because I refuse to give in that easy,” Clarke looks desperately to Octavia.

“Fighting it is torture,” The brunette responds simply.

“You shouldn’t even try Clarke,” Gabriel pleads. “I can only imagine that it and your mind drive wouldn’t react well together.”

Clarke runs a hand through her hair. She hates this. Bellamy’s allegiance to Pike was one thing, but  _ this  _ wasn’t even in the same galaxy by comparison. No handcuffs were needed this time, his words alone incapacitated her.

“The flame is your thing Clarke, it’s clear they’re using Bellamy to get to you. I’ve survived worse than m-cap. You can too.” 

“So what Octavia? Let’s say they do figure out where the flame is and somehow get it back here. Bellamy is just gonna instantaneously return back to normal?” Clarke argues, feeling like this conversation had reached a point where they were just repeating the same information over and over again.

“God can you guys shut the fuck up, this isn’t a competition measuring who cares about Bellamy more. Let’s recap what I just said. Fact one: we need to keep the flame from the Disciples. Fact two: resisting m-cap is torture and its possible impact on the mind drive is unknown. And point three, not necessarily a fact, but the risk of giving up the flame may have to outweigh risking memory loss.”

“Okay Gabriel, but JUDGEMENT DAY? So what if it just turns out to be some stupid test. I’ve never been big into religion, but I know God isn’t a fan of sinners and the damned,” Octavia’s fake chuckle fills the silence. “And with everything that we’ve done,” she lowers her head in shame. “I guess I’ll see the two of you in Hell! Oops! Forgot about Echo. How do you get to Hell? The Devil have a nice, big bus to take us down there? Will you be my  _ bus buddy  _ Gabriel?”

“Octavia…” Clarke chides.

“Don’t worry Clarke you won’t have to bus buddies with Echo. I’m sure she’ll beat us there, be first in line at the gates too,” Any sympathetic feelings Octavia had for Echo upon hearing about Bellamy’s supposed death were temporary. 

Upon hearing Gabriel release a huge sigh, Octavia gets up, walking into the bathroom and then slamming the door. Clarke wants to scream. But she can’t waste whatever air she has left. Not when dread threatens to suffocate her at any moment.


	2. Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The people on Bardo needed a history lesson, as well as a reality check.
> 
> “The fact that he’s doing this under the guise that it’s for ‘all mankind’ is ridiculous. Does he think that this is his penance? Because what he did on Earth definitely was not for ‘all mankind’ it was for the rich and influential. Worst of all...he gave people hope, only to take it away.
> 
> Gabriel shoots her a sheepish reaction, obviously not knowing how to respond. “I also found this,” he starts, flipping to the end of the book. The Prophecy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was 100% gonna give up on this fic, but 7x13 destroyed me and i'm reading tweets about 7x14 and i just have to say that this is all bullshit. like it actually fucking disgusts me how these writers are treating bellamy and bob in general. anyways the story will pick up a lot after this chapter. hopefully i'll be able to actually finish this story and give bellarke and bellamy a proper ending.

The Ancient Greeks believed that life was predetermined. The Fates spun the thread of life, weaving the destinies of man together. The threads never frayed or came loose, proving that everything happened for a reason. 

So powerful that not even the bravest of warriors could escape fate. Unavoidable. Unchangeable. All people on Earth were just pawns in the games of the Gods. Like pieces on a chess board, every man was confined to certain moves. 

Those legendary figures of the ancient world who couldn’t outrun fate, filled the night sky on Earth. Bright constellations spanning miles upon miles, all visible in one glance. The iconic Hercules, defeated all the evils that were thrown at him, earning his rightful place in Mount Olympus. Depicted in the heavens standing on the head of  _ Draco _ . The dragon positioned by Hera to protect the golden apples that Hercules required. The courageous man’s win一 forever depicted to the mortal world.  _ Carina, Puppis, and Vela  _ joined together to make the famous  _ Argo Navis.  _ The ship that carried Jason and the Argonauts on their journey to find the golden fleece. (fuck Jason Rothenburg, stan Jason and the Argonauts)

Clarke became acquainted with these constellations, never losing sight of them on the Ark. The city up in the sky held relics of life before the bombs. Scientific journals that explained species of plants, a few poetry books adorned with such vivid detail that Clarke could imagine the beautiful sunset described, and the classics. Books that held significant meaning at one point in history, but often described worlds that were unobtainable and unrealistic. 

She loved certain elements from every story she read, combining them all into one fantasy. For eighteen years she dreamed of viewing the continents that she watched for so long finally from the ground. To watch the moon fall and the sun rise. Watching the stars slowly illuminate the vast sky. 

But, she left them behind. Long gone were the days of searching for Polaris, the North Star, to guide her way.

She took it for granted, 2,199 nights of infinite stories up in the sky. 

Clarke watches the faint morning light creep in through the small windows on the ceiling. The sky is hardly any brighter, the horrendous atmosphere on the planet blocks most rays of light from reaching its barren terrain. The brownish orange sky fails to compare to the bright blue one on Earth. Even the stormy grey skies on Earth would be better, then again she adored the rain.

Before Madi, she despised the rain. Hated the way it snuck into the crevices of the roof on the Dropship, the way it caused mud to be tracked everywhere in Arkadia, the way it soaked through her clothes and forced them to stick to her skin. The day she heard Madi giggling while playing in the puddles changed her mind. 

About five months after Praimfaya Clarke woke up to the sound of a light drizzle running off the roof of their cottage in Shallow Valley. She had planned on taking Madi out to pick some flowers and berries or maybe a swim, but she feared ruining the only pair of shoes she still had. The distinct lack of noise in the rest of the house caused her to shoot out of bed. Madi always woke up at the crack of dawn, usually distracting herself by coloring or playing with some of the trinkets the two of them had found until Clarke finally woke up. 

Madi knew to not leave unless she told Clarke, but apparently that rule didn’t apply today. Clarke rushed out of the house foregoing shoes, calling out Madi’s name. Heart racing so fast that she couldn’t react to the mud squishing between her toes. She canvassed the area to the right of the house, searching in the rest of the cottages. As it turned out, in her frantic scan of the camp she failed to notice Madi sitting on a log with her feet in a puddle on the direct opposite side the blonde was looking in. 

The sight of Madi splashing her feet in the water and giggling whenever it hit her legs dissipated all of Clarke’s anger. A lecture on why it was dangerous to not tell Clarke where she was going would be coming Madi’s way, but not at that moment. As well as another reinforcement of the ‘shoes at all times outside of the house’ rule, but given that Clarke had no shoes on her own feet meant that conversation would have to be delayed as well. 

Madi must have heard the slosh of Clarke’s feet because the girl shouted, in between a fit of giggles, “Clarkey look it’s a pud-dul.” She pronounces ‘puddle’ in two distinct syllables, which brings a genuine smile to Clarke’s face. 

She made her way over to Madi and sat down on the same log. The girl’s clothes were soaked from the rain and were speckled with little bits of mud. Clarke pulled her sleeve down over her hand and wiped the bits of mud off of Madi’s face, “You just couldn’t wait until we went swimming later, you silly girl?”

“No,” Madi said as she slammed her feet into the puddle. Successfully covering Clarke’s lower half in mud splatters.

The blonde let out a gasp, “I’m surprised you haven’t turned into a little fish after all the time you spend in the water.” Just when Madi appeared like she’s about to respond, Clarke dragged her cupped hands through the puddle and pushed the water out onto Madi. The girl let out a squeak. Clarke whispered, “payback,” before running away from Madi, who’s face was now painted with a devious smile.

The duo chased each other around the mud for what seemed like hours. Their games only ending when Clarke slipped on the slick mud, nearly landing face first into the mud. 

She missed all of it. Madi. Earth. The refreshing feeling of rain on a humid day. Feeling rain cascade from the sky onto her finger tips, but there was no rain here. No sun either.

The three of them said very little after Octavia locked herself in the bathroom. She hid for almost an hour, seemingly trying to hide her sobs, but the walls didn’t do enough to contain the noise. Everytime the sound radiated to their ears Gabriel tensed. He wanted to help her, but Clarke insisted that she needed to be left alone. 

Eventually the trio were brought dinner and with it, a message from Cadogan, passed along by the guards. Apparently the Shepherd had more pressing matters to get to, so his conversation with Clarke would have to wait till late morning. 

Even though they now found themselves with extra time, everything about needing to use their time wisely became an afterthought. The three of them should have made a plan, a plan A, and when that plan got derailed by some unforeseen circumstance they needed a plan B, then a C. 

When Octavia refused to eat dinner, Gabriel picked the lock on the door. Which was apparently a skill he picked up as a kid. His interruption was met by some commotion from Octavia, which then escalated to yelling. Clarke tried to tune it out, but couldn’t when they both came out of the room. 

Gabriel had somehow managed to throw Octavia over his shoulder and dropped her in a seat at the table. Octavia looked down at her food the whole time. 

None of them could identify the strange piece of meat they had each received, though the sheer hunger felt by all of them pushed the trio to eat it. In between bites they created a short term plan. Good for the next couple of days. 

Compared to their past schemes, this one was more of a defensive strategy. It didn’t really qualify as a plan because it was only comprised of ways they could distract the Disciples until someone thought of a better idea. They’d go into the situation partially blind, there wasn’t more to be done. 

As it got later into the night Octavia could barely keep her eyes open. She was too tired to argue with Gabriel when he suggested that she go back to her room and sleep.

Gabriel and Clarke seemingly had an unspoken understanding with each other. He never pushed the blonde to talk about anything after Octavia left. 

Gabriel, obviously not planning on sleeping, turned his attention back to the Anomaly Stone code. Which Clarke didn’t think she’d be much help with, so she let her mind wander while 

staring up at the ceiling. Slowly dissociating from reality─ something she recognized as happening more frequently since getting Josephine out of her head. Sometimes hours felt like minutes, while on other days seconds felt like minutes. All that she had suffered in the past day or so felt like it had spanned weeks, with the time dilation differences only continuing to loosen her grip on reality.

She craved sleep, absolutely exhausted from planet hopping, but she was simultaneously too afraid to close her eyes, fearing whatever hellish nightmare her mind would conjure. Mind wandering, she attempted to think about anything but Bellamy. Yet the thought was unavoidable sometimes, her rational side of everything that may have happened to him and where he’s been. She refused to listen to her other side, the one deemed ‘irrational’. Whatever her  _ heart _ ‘said’ couldn’t save Bellamy.  _ Right? _ The thought only enlarged the pit in her stomach, and once the pain became unbearable her mind fled to another place.

Clarke felt guilty for missing Sanctum, knowing what the people that were once in this room had dealt with at the same time, but there was no point in denying it. The short time spent in the Farmhouse was mostly peaceful. Although some grudges, new and old had boiled over─ for the first time in a long time, the people closest to Clarke weren’t constantly fighting. Their home had doors with locks, windows, proper beds. Madi got to live like the rest of children her age. 

Predictably that air of calm lasted only mere days. Indra, Murphy, and Emori were capable human beings. They had dealt with worse over the years, they could prevent a civil war.  _ Right? _

The loud slamming of an object throws Clarke out of her daze. Gabriel throws her a mildly apologetic glance before diving back into his next book. 

“Hey,” she whispers.

“Hi, sorry if I scared you there,” Gabriel responds, eyes enchanted by the pages of a tiny yet lengthy book resting in his hands. 

“Oh, no big deal. I was just a bit surprised, that’s all,” Clarke politely declares, to which Gabriel hums an acknowledgement. He’s a man of few words, extremely into intellectual discussions, but not one for small talk. 

They had already gone a majority of the night in complete silence, Clarke needed human interaction. 

“What are you reading?” She asks, referring to the miniature green-covered book.

“It’s like the Disciples religious text, or the ‘outsider’s guide to the shepherd’, I guess. They’re everywhere in this compound.” Clarke had yet to see one of these books on Bardo, so Gabriel’s claim doesn’t quite add up. He continues, “It’s like the Disciples were never taught about the history of mankind before the bombs. The Shepherd acknowledges that evil had taken over on Earth and he chose to save those who hadn’t been corrupted, other than that…nothing. I mean─ this thing only tells the history of Bardo and all of the Shepherd’s journeys through the Anomaly.”

That doesn’t surprise Clarke, the fact that these people had no idea of the horrible things Cadogan had done during his time on Earth. He had conditioned generations of people to live, unbeknownst to them, a life built on lies and false realities. 

“I’ve literally never seen that book anywhere,” Clarke blurts out, cringing at her tone. 

Gabriel remains unbothered though, “Really? I’m pretty sure every Disciple has one. That guy that Bellamy was with… I think his name is Doucette? He gave them to Me, Octavia, and Echo when we first ‘allied’ with the Disciples. Octavia and Echo’s were just over there,” he notions to a small side table in the corner of the room. “But I guess someone must have moved or taken them.” Clarke recognizes the confusion in his voice, clearly telling the truth. She couldn’t understand where Gabriel stood in all this mess. It’s like both sides, theirs’ and the Disciples’, had respect for the man. She assumes that if it came down to it, Gabriel would ‘fight’ for her side. In some ways he emulates Monty. Both of them always played the mediator or the peacekeeper. Even through all the atrocities they saw and experienced, even when everybody else had lost their morality, the two men never let go of their humanity. Luckily for Clarke and her friends, Gabriel became the group’s new source of balance as a result of Monty’s heartbreaking loss.

“Well… does it say anything important? Beyond just the ramblings of an egotistical maniac?” Clarke inquires.

Gabriel releases a sigh, not one of annoyance, but of concern. “I looked into the other planet, Etherea, the one that we know nothing about, Bellamy must have gone there. Otherwise he would have run into Disciples or you guys.”

“So what does it say?”

Gabriel begins reading the passage, “ _ The Shepherd sacrificed himself as the one that would go through the Bridge to the other worlds in search of the promised land.”  _ Gabriel skips ahead a few pages, _ “He traveled through to Etherea last. He encountered horrible weather, the snow only stopped falling when he reached what he later called the Cave of Ascent. He encountered the light and ascended…” _

“He seriously thinks he’s God?” Clarke laughs. “He’s even got the Disciples too.” Clarke didn’t know what to think about the rest of the Disciples. Technically they were all innocent in this, never learning anything different than the teachings of Cadogan. They had been forced to work for Cadogan over many generations, while the man _slept_. His massacring of the unfortunate people he deceived in the level 1-11 bunker, brainwashed from peoples’ memories. 

Becca saved humanity. Not Cadogan. 

  
  


_ The First Commander _ , would earn her penance eventually. With the Nightblood solution and opening the Anomaly it was only a matter of time. 

Clarke is infuriated that Cadogan stole all of Becca’s credit. The Disciples were on Bardo  _ because  _ of Becca. All of the people who were once Grounders owe their lives to the Nightblood solution and Callie Cadogan, who left Second Dawn against the will of her father. Clarke was alive because of a mind drive, which of course Becca created.  _ Everything  _ came back to Becca.

The people on Bardo needed a history lesson, as well as a reality check. 

“The fact that he’s doing this under the guise that it’s for ‘all mankind’ is ridiculous. Does he think that this is his  _ penance _ ? Because what he did on Earth definitely was not for ‘all mankind’ it was for the rich and influential. He tricked and stole from innocent people. He gave people hope, only to take it away. They didn’t even realize that they had been trickedー because they were already dead.”

Gabriel shoots her a sheepish reaction, obviously not knowing how to respond. “I also found this,” he starts, flipping to the end of the book.  _ The Prophecy _ . Gabriel lets the text fall into Clarke’s grasp. It looks much different than the rest of the stories, appearing to be in poetic verse.  _ Who knew Cadogan was a poet as well? _ She begins reading,

_ “The last age of the prophecy has now come _

_ the grand commandment of the centuries has been born again _

_ the reign of mankind returns; now a new generation ascends from the flames _

_ The gods desire the leadership of a shepherd _

_ Under whom the despair of the world will end _

_ and the golden age will rise up again. _

_ With his guidance, if any traces of our sins remain _

_ they shall become void and release us from its continual dread. _

_ He will possess the gift of divine life, shall see heroes mingled with gods _

_ and shall reestablish the highest order and restore peace. _

_ For the Earth will pour forth gifts for his people, restoring the landscape and the heavens above. _

_ The serpent will too perish with the plant that hides its poison. _

_ But as soon as the shepherd tells of the glories and deeds of those who came before, _

_ his disciples will know valor. _

_ Still, memories of old-time sin will live on, which will push man to fight against man once more. _

_ The Shepherd will arise upon the key’s return. _

_ Until the pivotal moment, the fate of mankind will lay with his disciples. _

_ “For all mankind!” his people cry, _

_ voicing in unison the fixed will of destiny. _

_ Alas the time has come, behold the world giving way to war _

_ and behold how all the things rejoice in the ages about to come! _

_ Child, begin to recognize your Shepherd with a smile, _

_ never displace respect for his never ending quest to return home,  _

_ honor his sacrifice of saving humanity, _

_ and carry out the decree of our savior.” _

The vague and eerie language sends a chill down Clarke’s spine. It only adds to her long list of questions. Most notably,  _ what does Cadogan think triggering Judgement Day will do? Why is it so important to do now? _

“I’ve heard them say all of the prayers and recall all these stories, but this Clarke…” he fades away. “In all my time here, no one has mentioned ‘The Prophecy’,” Gabriel whispers.

Clarke gulps, unsure of what to make of Gabriel’s statement. “I mean─ they have to know about it. Well maybe Octavia knows something. Or maybe that Levitt guy… he helped you guys once, he’ll probably do it again. If we give him enough reason to.”

Before Gabriel can respond the door opens. She expects to see Octavia in the doorway, but two Disciple guards are there instead. The same man and woman that dropped their dinner off the previous night once again enter the room, this time with breakfast. The short man drops the food at the end of the table, while the woman stares at the two of them both of her hands holding a gun across her chest. 

The short man speaks first, his tone extremely dull, “The Shepherd has pressing matters to get to this morning. He will speak to you when he is done.” Upon finishing the two guards turn back towards the door.

“Wait!” Clarke calls out. “Octavia Blake… can you bring her here?”

“Ms. Blake is on lockdown,” the woman responds.

“Lockdown─what?” Gabriel exclaims.

“Ms. Blake had an outburst last night when returning back to her room. There was no conflict, but Ms. Blake injured herself in the process. She is now sleeping and recovering,” the man states.

Gabriel scoffs, “She could barely keep her eyes open last night, and now you are trying to tell us she had an unprovoked  _ outburst _ ? Let me see here and I’ll be the judge of that.”

A sinister smile creeps onto the woman’s lean face. “Disciple,” she addresses Gabriel. “I need you to stand down, or I will have to alert the Shepherd of your behavior.”

Gabriel remains silent as the guards exit. Clarke looks up at him, he flexes his fingers out and back into a fist, she assumes as a way to manage anger. 

“That’s bullshit,” he states simply, trudging back to his chair with his breakfast in hand. 

“Gabriel, she’s okay,” Clarke says calmly. “I think it’s for the best that she stays in there for right now. Maybe she’ll think of a better plan.” He grunts as he eats.

The blonde looks down at her food. It appears to be oatmeal? She quickly notices that Gabriel is eating something different than her. The vibrant colors of various fruits make up his plate as well as two pieces of toast.

“Hey why do you get to eat that while I’m stuck eating this gross looking goop!” She exclaims. 

“Oh… last time I ate that stuff I broke out into hives. The doctor here said that they put some special spice in it.” The thought of having an allergic reaction didn’t seem all that appealing, but Gabriel continues, “I’m sure it’s fine though, Octavia and Echo ate it.” He picks up some of the fruit of his plate and drops them into her bowl.

She smiles, “Thank you.” The oatmeal like stuff doesn’t taste that horrible. In fact it’s better than a majority of the food on the Ark. Clarke picks up the small book again. She reads the words ‘for all mankind’ over and over again, they still don’t sit right. Cadogan didn’t care about  _ all  _ of mankind, only the members of Second Dawn and the generations that followed. Cadogan must have believed that he and his followers were the only survivors of the bombs (not the people on the Ark of course). But how did the Disciples know about her, Bellamy, and Octavia? If the Disciples discovered the three of them while on Sanctum, they would have known that Madi had the chip, not Clarke. None of it made sense. The last time Clarke had the chip was on Earth. The Disciples and Cadogan knew about things that happened on Earth. If any of her people went through the Anomaly, Gabriel would have seen.  _ It couldn’t have been a person passing along information then,  _ she thinks. A yawn escapes her mouth, a signal of just how exhausted she is. 

The last time she managed to sleep through the night was when Gabriel and Bellamy successfully got Josephine out of her head. That night─ it’s like all time slowed. Her memories of Bellamy saving her are a bit hazy, but she could never forget how good it felt to wrap her arms around his shoulders and feel his breathing slow over time. The two of them still had so much to talk about, to apologize and make up for. Their hug in Sanctum couldn’t be the last time she talked to her best friend, the person she needs the most. She needed  _ her  _ Bellamy back. 

Remembering Bellamy saving her life reminds Clarke of something Gabriel said long ago, “Wait, Gabriel. Didn’t you say something about the Anomaly like… taking in radio signals or something.”

“Yeah. And, theoretically it should work but, I never got much out of it though,” Gabriel responds, interested in the conversation again.

Her eyelids start to feel extremely heavy, but she tries not to lose her thought. “What if...they heard it all...they knew about us and waited,” she fades.

“Hey Clarke. You okay?” Gabriel asks, dropping his spoon and pen.

“What if all along...everything on Earth...they listened and they already knew… Octavia said nothing new to them… they wanted everything after Praimfaya...because it got ruined...it makes sense Gabriel,” she stops, suddenly feeling light-headed. Gabriel may be shouting her name but his voice sounds like he’s underwater. She must fall to the floor because she sees the sky has turned into an ugly brown color. The light from the window blinds her, forcing her eyes shut and inadvertently pulling her into unconsciousness. 

─────

Clarke’s body feels uncomfortably stiff when she finally wakes. Muscles extremely tight and in pain. Feeling strangely well rested. The window above her is now gone, replaced by ultra white lights. So bright they are radiating heat down to her body.

She gazes around the all white room, noticing its eerie similarities to Mount Weather. It’s definitely not the same one she remembers…  _ passing out in?  _

The blonde hears shuffling at her back side, so she tries to pull away from the chair she rests in. What she doesn’t know is that all of her limbs are restrained, the cuffs chafing harshly against her skin.

A voice startles her, “Honestly Clarke… I am disappointed. I thought that your days of deceiving were gone.”

Bill Cadogan possesses the same calm energy that Dante Wallace had once treated Clarke with. Unlike the innocent Dante, the man standing in front of her is hiding something, she’s certain of it. 

“And I thought we were gonna talk. But here we are,” the blonde snaps. 

Cadogan finally comes into vision, rounding around his captive and pulling up a chair next to Clarke. “We are going to talk, Clarke,” he says. “My advisors suggested, for my safety, that you be restrained. And I'm glad that they followed through, I know you can─ get violent at times.” He seems so level-headed, yet can’t hide his patronizing tone. 

“Where’s Bellamy?” she spits. Entirely ignoring the man’s snide remarks. 

He chuckles, “Do you know what Clarke? You and all your friends are so predictable, it’s what has made all of this so easy.”

“How do you know anything? You’ve been in cryo-sleep for hundreds of years!” He infuriates her like no other person ever has. 

“You’re right. Maybe I don't know everything, but I know enough,” Cadogan shrugs. “I know you had the chip at one point or another? Where is it now?”

“I left it on Earth to explode,” she lies.

“Clarke─ if that were true you would have told me first thing. All of your friends would be free to go back to Sanctum, you wouldn’t be here. So no Clarke─ you did not leave it on Earth,” the man admonishes.

“You told me yourself that Becca said that you were not the person that should enter the final code.”

He shakes his head, “Clarke, you give that woman way too much credit. How can she go about saying anything to me when she’s the one who caused Judgement Day in the first place.”

Clarke cannot help but scoff, “Oh yeah? You think you know more than a once world renowned scientist who created the flame? You and your people have been sitting here, waiting for an opportunity to finally obtain it. Whatever you think comes after Judgement Day… you need the work of Becca Pramheda to do so. Stop being a self righteous asshole.”

Cadogan runs his hand up and down his jaw. “I’ll give you one more chance to tell me where it is Clarke.”

“Go to hell,” she raises her voice. With that Cadogan walks behind the chair again out of her line of sight again. Clarke never hears his footsteps fade, but she knows he’s gone. “What happened to my last chance?” the screams.

Concluding there’s no point to cry again, Clarke closes her eyes. Wanting to get lost in some memory that would fill the emptiness in her mind, but she can’t find one. The blonde thinks back to the time she and Wells attempted to play poker. Yet, the memory is not clear. Her head is pounding, temples aching. 

She can’t tell if she was asleep, or just dissociated again. But upon hearing footsteps again, her eyes flash open. “Back so soon?” she teases, eyes still focused on the He doesn’t sit in the chair across from her, instead he stands to her right. Except the person in front of her fills out the white robe adorned by the Disciples differently than Cadogan did.

Her eyes meet his. And, her world stops. 

“Bellamy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i said in the chapter FUCK JASON ROTHENBERG. sorry i lied in my last authors note, proper bellarke interaction and those radio calls in the next chapter ;) and if i see one more tweet about clarke meeting bellamy in the fields of gold i may just end myself. oh yeah and i just realized from seasons 3-6, episode 13 always has a bellarke hug in it. season 3 is the one at the beach, 4 is the one at becca's lab, 5 is up on the ship, 6 is the one after abby dies and bellarke are reunited. yeah that makes me absolutely sick. yeah okay so twitter has just informed me that another character has died while i was writing this authors note, yeah i absolutely hate it here. this show fucking sucks it should have ended at 5x13 but 6x10 has to stay somehow. i am heartbroken. yeah these writers are racist there's no other explanation. hopefully i'll see you again soon.


	3. Degradation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The room is pitch black with the exception being a pulsing red light in the corner of the room. It almost seems safer now that all the ultra bright white coloring is gone. It's probably her mind just blissed out on the ignorance of her surroundings because Clarke doesn't feel scared. 
> 
> Even more of her body is restrained, her head is pinned to the chair and her forefingers are strangely as well. But it's the powerlessness that truly seizes control of her body. Her mind mills over the fact that the Disciples had possession of her deepest thoughts, weaknesses, secrets. Cadogan and the rest of his minions didn’t need to put her in m-cap, they already had enough to break her. 
> 
> And if the Disciples had all of the radio calls in their possession, Bellamy did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO DAYS UNTIL FREEDOM! WOOT WOOT! 
> 
> this is the beginning of some major angst and bellamy is gonna get progressively more sad. a good majority of this is the radio calls, they are separated by dashes in the middle of the page and are in italics. they're in chronological order, but not necessarily in line with the dates given in 5x01.
> 
> i'm trying to address the fact that all these the characters must have major anxiety after everything they've been through, so that's why clarke is so hyperfixed on certain things, it's a coping mechanism. 
> 
> ***** TW// MENTIONS OF SUICIDE/WANTING TO DIE (from both bellamy and clarke, it's mostly mentioned casually though)

He mirrors his 23 year old self, the same man that Praimfaya tore her apart from. Long gone is the beard, the boyish like innocence he once possessed, restored to his face. Clarke feels the strange urge to run a hand down his newly shaven jaw. But, it’s only a moment before her hand meets the resistance of the nylon band wrapped around her wrist. 

The Disciple robe is a far cry from his last outfit, even though he looks cleaned up, his face still holds an empty expression.

Clarke imagines that a look of desperation paints her face. “Please tell me that you are only wearing those clothes because your other ones were completely ruined,” Clarke squeaks. 

She cannot take her eyes off of him. Mostly because she’s confused, but also it’s the awe factor. His crown of dark brown curls once again rests on his head. A feature which she always adored about him. Another being his eyes. And in their amber glow, always held a certain warmth. A comfortable feeling which she had grown accustomed to. Whether it be because of his protective instincts or something else一 Bellamy was always looking out for her. 

That was then. 

Now brought a different story. He not only wouldn’t meet her gaze, that stupid Disciple robe was draped from his shoulders. Its pristine condition mocks her tattered black jacket and jeans.  And in that moment, in every possible way they were completely and utterly, opposites. They were the perfect representation of good vs. evil, their clothes embodying the dichotomy of  _ light vs. dark.  _

There was only one reason why Bellamy would be wearing the clothes that mirrored Cadogan’s. Only one reason. A single explanation for why he wasn’t dressed in an extra guards uniform, why he hadn’t been banished to Skyring. She begged her conscious not to jump to conclusions, but it was blatantly obvious.  But, that one reason failed to explain why he refused to look at her. “Bellamy,” she whispers.

“Where’s the flame Clarke?” he asks, emotionless.

Her mouth gapes in awe. “Seriously? _ Seriously _ ?” She replies, losing it a little. “Tell me the truth Bellamy. Tell me that I’m just imagining all of this,” Clarke gestures at his outfit. 

“Clarke—“ he starts. “This would all be so much easier if you told us where the flame was.”

_ Us.  _ The word doesn’t go over Clarke’s head, catching her undivided attention.

“So there’s an  _ us  _ now? You and Cadogan?” She questions rhetorically. Masking her shock is almost impossible, instead it’s transformed into anger. The rollercoaster ride of up and down emotions was exhausting. But looking at Bellamy rub his palm back and forth on his side anxiously had reached a new low.  _ What the hell did he have to be anxious about? _

“There’s still a way out of this Clarke, it doesn’t have to be this hard,” he sighs. “Once the Shepherd enters the code he will take us to our home, the place all of us were destined to one day get to.”

There had been periods of time where Clarke wanted nothing more than to slap Bellamy. Hell she had even done it once before. The urge to repeat the action had never been so strong until now. Also wanting to violently shake his shoulders until he falls out of his dazed state. 

“And there you go again using  _ us _ ,” she stammers. “What happened to you Bellamy? For all I know you’ve been stuck on some other planet for a long time, but here you are spouting Disciple  _ lore _ like it’s a second fucking language. _When did us stop meaning you and I_?” her voice, unsteady.

“It doesn’t matter Clarke. My story isn’t important, it can wait. So please just answer my question.”

“You refuse to answer mine, so why would I answer yours? Hmm?” she mocks. “I thought you were dead Bellamy! Everyone believed that you were gone. So don’t you dare tell me that where you’ve been for一God knows how long, doesn’t matter.”

He finally picks his eyes off the floor, they’re filled with something unknown. “I went through something horrible. Completely horrible and hopeless until I一” Bellamy stops. Seemingly hiding some of the details out of sheer embarrassment. That or he just wanted to keep dangling the truth over her head. “Regardless of my experiences… I am glad it happened. I feel secure. All that uncertainty that we’ve coexisted with for years, it’s no longer clouding my judgement. I'm finally free.”

The source of her anger comes from a place of pity, but after Bellamy’s last statement she realizes there’s a bit of jealousy mixed in there as well. He speaks about this so-called ‘enlightenment’ as if it was as simple as breathing.  _ Oh what she’d give to believe him, to be ignorant about the horrors of the past, to somehow have hope in the darkest times.  _ Bellamy still saw the good in people, while Clarke identified the bad in people and engrained it into her memory. But, she’s not a pessimist, just a realist.  And no matter how she feels about Bellamy, he hadn't earned retribution. The two of them still had so much to discuss, to apologize for, to confess. Octavia also. 

Clarke always imagined herself finding peace right beside the Blake's. Never could she have predicted him fighting for the other side一 not even needing  _ to fight _ in the strive for peace because he had already found it. 

“Are you even listening to yourself Bellamy? To the absolute nonsense you are saying?” She wishes she could be standing in front of him, instead of being looked down upon. He's the one that deserves to be scolded. “These people were born to help Cadogan. They exist to serve Cadogan in his bullshit quest ‘to seek a greater truth’,” she mocks the aforementioned’s voice. “They were created in  _ tubes _ . Not born to a mother or cherished by a family, they came into this world alone. Can you even imagine life without your sister? Your mother made you a good man, she taught you right. Maybe you secretly despised her for putting you in charge of a baby when you were no more than a child yourself, but we both know you’d be nothing without your family!”

“ _ That’s true.  _ But Clarke think about it... how much easier if we were just individuals without any deeply personal ties to one another. We would still be the hundred, not the  _ six _ ” he solemnly replies.

“Bellamy Blake, if you didn’t love your sister as much as you did, you would be dead right now.” She watches his eyes, attempting to detect any emotional recognition.  _ Nothing _ . “If you hadn’t shot Jaha and followed your sister down here, you _would_ be dead right now. You would have died with the rest of the people on the Ark. Whether that be in a culling, from getting floated, or dying in the Factory Station crash.”

“Maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing, I could have died a good person,” he says with conviction. The fact that it’s the only thing he’s said all day that didn’t waver with uncertainty makes Clarke’s heart drop. “Up until I shot Jaha, I was a good person. But the minute that happened I reached the point of no return. We’ve spent all this time going between the idea of being ‘the good or bad guy’ but really Clarke… we’re the selfish ones.”

She remembers his previous statement regarding the 100, before she got distracted by Bellamy’s new perspective on life. “Are you really that disconnected from reality? We’ve been selfish sometimes in the past, I’ll give you that, but we’ve done so much more for others than we’ve done for ourselves.”

He just shrugs in response, Clarke can’t be sure what it’s in response to but she recognizes it as an escape from the conversation. Meaning he’s probably going to ask where the flame is yet again, so she instigates another argument. Maybe it’s counterproductive, but the taunt works.

“So you’re suggesting that protecting ourselves from the Grounders was selfish?” Clarke asks, adding a little head tilt for effect. 

He narrows his eyes at her, “Not exactly. My point is that selfishness causes an infinite number of chain reactions.” Now pacing, Bellamy releases a sigh. “If I hadn’t shot Jaha to follow Octavia down then I would never have destroyed Raven’s radio in the escape pod, you guys could have gotten in touch with the Ark earlier and asked for help. No mutiny wouldn’t have happened and Jaha could’ve sent down people to help us fight the grounders.”

“So that’s what this is? You feel guilty?” she scoffs. “Guilt doesn’t explain joining a fucking cult. Led by a sociopath with a savior complex that has somehow forced you to forget who you are.”

Throwing his hands up in the air, he speaks up, “Last time I checked, all my memories are still secure in my head, I'm still the same person,” he replies while draping his hand over his forehead. “Nothing’s changed Clarke. New planet, same problems.”

“God Bellamy, fuck you!” Clarke yells. “Just because you can put on a white robe and pretend that you hate yourself less than you did yesterday doesn’t mean jack shit. Get off of your high horse and come back down to  _ the ground. _ ” The way he visibly tenses pushes her to continue, “How can you not see that everything is different. Did you forget what you said to me back in Sanctum Bellamy?” she cries. 

“I am still trying to do better Clarke! That hasn’t changed!” he yells. “But this time I’m not doing right by your standards, I’m doing it by my own.”

Clarke scoffs, extremely annoyed that Bellamy was seeing her as the perfect opponent. “Finally! Finally, I raise some actual emotion out of you! Anger is good Bellamy.  _ So  _ much better than sad and mopey. So c’mon Bell, yell at me. Explain the root of all this resentment you are projecting on me. Tell me why you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you Clarke,” he whispers. His new found non-confrontational should make this conversation easier. Instead it just disproves Bellamy’s claim that nothing’s changed on Bardo. 

“Really? Could’ve fooled me,” Clarke breathes. “Is that why I’m strapped to a chair and you are just standing there? Because you feel  _ so  _ affectionate towards me?

“I’m trying to help all of mankind, that includes everyone. I just can’t be selfish anymore, And I don’t want to be.” Everytime Bellamy speaks he brings a new line of speech that sounds like it was spoon fed to him by Cadogan. It’s fucking exhausting listening to it.

“But, I’m still expendable? For all mankind一 except Clarke, right,” the blonde mutters. Feeling like a breakdown was imminent, she diverts her gaze to her legs. Counting to make sure there were still eleven holes in her pants. She counts the four in the back, feeling the cool leather of the chair touch her skin in those places.  _ One, two, three, four _ ,  _ five, six _ she counts on the right.  _ Seven, eight, nine, ten _ . Only ten.  _ Why was there only ten?  _ Clarke counts again. Still ten. She knew for certain that there were eleven holes in these black pants. Every time Madi left the Farmhouse, Clarke would sit on the floor in front of her room door and count the holes, unable to do anything else until Madi returned home safely.

_ Could she really know for certain? It could’ve easily been ten. Maybe she was thinking about a different pair of pants? _

The more she pondered it the more confused she became. Never had the drawn lines of reality become so blurred.  _ It was eleven _ .

“Clarke?” Bellamy’s voice cuts through the silence, sending chills down her spine. But it’s when he tugs on her hand to focus her attention back to him that sets her off.

“Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Me.” she grits out as she tries to pull her hand away from his. The efforts are futile because his grip only adds further restraint to the mobility of her hand. 

“Please Clarke, just listen to me. I need you to hear me out,” he breathes. The grip of his hand does not warm her frigid fingers. It’s not comforting. It feels like he’s holding on for dear life. Like letting go means losing part of her. 

But she had already given up so much of herself for him.  _ He couldn’t take everything _ . 

“You’re hurting me Bellamy,” she monotonically states.

Bellamy jumps back immediately, letting her hand fall back to the arm of the chair. Eyes moving back down to her legs, Clarke counts all the places where her pale skin sneaks through her jeans. She hears Bellamy open his mouth, but cuts him off before he can say anything more. 

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. So, just leave.” When he stays unmoved she starts yelling, “Leave Bellamy. Please, please, please. Just leave. I can’t do this with you anymore.” Everything she screams is true, looking at his sad face had become too overwhelming. “I mean it Bellamy, go tell your stupid shepherd that I will never tell him where the flame is, he can proceed however he pleases. Looking at you like this一 is worse than any torture he can put me through.” Clarke only manages to keep it together until the sound of Bellamy’s descending footsteps fade into nothing. Then the dams just collapse, tears stream down her face, each in quick succession. 

One of the holes in her black jeans reveals an expansive scar marred onto her skin. It’s the first time since it happened that she actually gets a good look at it. Never could she have ever 

imagined doing something so horrible to herself, but she needed the pain. 

_ Why did she just remember the scar now? _

Realizing that the scar was never visible before and the intense fraying around the edges of the hole, it hits her that the two rips in the jean combined into something larger.  _ So there was once eleven, but no there’s ten.  _

But when did eleven become ten? Was it yesterday when she was crawling through caves on Nakara? Had it the fabric snagged on something when she washed it in the lake a few days ago? Or had it been one hole for months? She just can’t quite remember.

─────

“I’m so fucking tired. Of everything. It just hit me that it’s been one month. I’m still in Becca’s lab. My exposure to Praimfaya while my body was accepting the Nightblood made me more sick. Even sicker than I was the last time we saw each other.”

The room is pitch black except for the pulsing of a small red light in the corner of the room. It almost seems safer now that all the ultra bright white is gone. It's probably her mind just blissed out on the ignorance of her surroundings because Clarke doesn't feel scared. 

“But thankfully, I’ve completely recovered. My face has almost completely healed, the burns didn’t scar too much. We really should have redistributed some of the stuff here to the people in the Bunker.”

The sound of her own voice bounces off the walls. It’s far away, with the vibrations of each word sinking into her body unwillingly. More of her body is restrained, her head is pinned to the chair and her forefingers are strangely as well. 

“I don’t know… maybe if we had more time we could have given Octavia some of this lab equipment to create Nightbloods. Now there’s definitely not enough rations in here to survive for five years, but couldn’t some of us just have stayed in the lab until we somehow figured out to make them Nightbloods?”

Somehow the actual meaning of the words she heard had alluded her, it’s Octavia’s name that catches her attention.

“I’m just wondering if we really had to all go up to the Ark. But it doesn’t matter, no one predicted that I wouldn’t make it back in time, let alone survive Praimfaya...”

After years of radio calling, each message she produced eventually blended together. Though there were certain ones, certain phrases that constantly played in her mind. No matter how many years had passed.

The blonde took solace in knowing that the Ark never received the calls, they were lost to the void of time. The topic never came up again after she saw that ship descend from the sky, it became a distant memory after that fateful day 2,199. 

Or so she thought.

Powerlessness seizes control of her body. Her mind mills over the fact that the Disciples had possession of her deepest thoughts, weaknesses, secrets. Cadogan and the rest of his minions didn’t need to put her in m-cap, they already had enough to break her. 

And if the Disciples had all of the radio calls in their possession, Bellamy did too.

  
  
  


─────

  
  


_...Those things aside, 30 days of this shit and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. Grieving people hurts so much. It hurts to know that the life that I had with these people is gone forever.  _

_ I need to prepare myself for what the world looks like on the surface. Because our home’s gone now. The Dropship. Arkadia. Right? It’s gone? _

_ Just like all the people we’ve lost, they’re completely gone. Simply ceasing to exist. _

_ Like Lexa, everything that I once associated with her is gone. It used to comfort me, seeing the tower in Polis peak over the tops of the forests. I guess it reminded me that her and I─ we were real. But now, she’s completely intangible, existing only in my memory.  _

_ The more I think about it, the worse I feel. One would think I’d have mementos from the people I love and have loved most in this world. But I don’t. Nothing of my mother’s. Nothing of my father’s. Nothing of  _ yours.

_ But, you don’t have anything of mine either, not that I’d have much to give. _

_ Which can probably be blamed on the fact that nothing ever felt like it was  _ mine _ on the Ark. _ Only mine _. It was like everything was the Ark’s, and they held that over everyone’s head. I always heards tales and myths about all the simple things people got floated for because they stole. Food. Medicine. Aren’t those things a government should provide for their people?  _ All _ their people? They are fundamental to life. _

_ Sorry I keep going on these random tangents. Thinking about all the problems on the Ark just makes my blood boil. Like seriously did we really deserve to be forced into a dropship, heading for the radiation laden and unknown status of the ground? _

_ In the case of Finn, he brought it upon himself. Even though he turned himself in to protect Raven, he was still complicit in that spacewalk. And Wells… he didn’t deserve to die the way he did, getting killed for his father’s mistakes. If he hadn't followed me down here he would have come down with my mother and Kane with the rest of Alpha station. He would have lived. Maybe it’s unfair to even blame all this on Jaha, he only picked up where the past chancellors left off. They allowed the first domino in the line to fall down, Jaha just was the one there to deal with the fallout of the final dominos falling. _

_ I guess the final domino hasn’t fallen yet. We are still here. _

─────

_ I held a gun against my head today, so tempted to pull the trigger. _

_ I thought  _ why not?  _ I’ll die before the five years are up, it’s just a matter of how, why not spare me the pain that lies just over the horizon. _

_ But dying at the hands of my own gun seemed quite anticlimactic. Especially for the epic survival story of  _ Clarke Griffin _.  _

_ Maybe I’ll die peacefully. Preferably in my sleep so I’ll never see it coming. Whatever. The forces of nature can do whatever they see fit. YOU HEAR THAT WORLD! DO YOUR WORST, DO YOUR BEST, I DON’T GIVE TWO FUCKS. _

  
  


─────

  
  


_ I know these past couple of calls have been as boring as hell. Finally on day 43 I am happy to announce I actually have something interesting to say. I had been walking for days, seeing nothing but scorched Earth. It’s like Praimfaya turned everything into a desert except for this one spot. I found a forest, with living things! Not just dust and rock. I’ve only seen bugs and a couple small animals so far. BUT BELLAMY THERE ARE ACTUAL FRUITS HERE. I really should have paid more attention in Earth Skills... I can’t remember which berries are poisonous. I know the blueberries are alright to eat of course, and I think lingonberries too?  _

_ One thing I actually do remember is that the strangely colored berries are called tutsan berries. They themselves are extremely poisonous, but their leaves can be used to cover wounds. Got to thank my mother for that piece of knowledge. They’ve been very helpful because I keep tripping over everything.  _

_ I’m so thankful to have the rover to sleep in. I keep having these nightmares about waking up on the ground of the forest and something terrifying is looking down at me, but it ends before I can tell what it is. I guess it’s a sign一If I don’t die from poisonous berries or infection, something’s gonna eat me. Oh shit! Fuck, fuck, fu一. _

_ … _

_ Oh God Bellamy! My fire almost spread to the grass. I got under control though. Can you fucking imagine if I had burned down the last living things on Earth. With my terrible luck it actually wouldn’t surprise me.  _

_ Wait what was I talking about earlier? Um...wait… oh yes! BERRIES BELLAMY BERRIES. I’ve never had fresh blueberries before, I guess they weren’t native to the area around Arkadia. They’re so good, so much better than those freeze dried ones on the Ark.  _

─────

_ Can you believe that you’d be the first uncle in centuries if Octavia ever had children? I mean it’s still baffling to think that you’re the first siblings in centuries. Maybe someday down the line someone will write you into the history books.  _

_ I’ve been thinking about recording my time down here in a notebook. That way, if you aren’t actually getting these calls and I’m just talking to myself like a psycho, you can at least know that I survived. Even if I’m not here to tell you about it. _

_ I’ll leave you some tips to follow. Lingonberries are pretty good. They look like cranberries so they’re pinkish red, though it’s hard to tell when they’re ripe. Unripe ones taste like shit though, I can’t actually describe how terrible they taste. Imagine the worst food on the Ark, but 10 times worse. Okay一 maybe I’m exaggerating. I should really stop complaining, you’re probably eating much worse up there. I can’t imagine there were any rations left on the Ark after all of the stations came down.  _

_ Is my cell still intact up there? I’m not sure anyone else up there would want to go back into the prison station, but maybe you could get Echo to go with you? This is not me encouraging you to become friends, but maybe you can teach her some people skills while you’re stuck up there. She really seems to lack them.  _

_ Hopefully she hasn’t killed you all yet. I can’t even imagine her and Murphy having a civil conversation. I have a feeling they’d rip each other’s heads off. I’d have no complaints if Murphy won and followed through with that idea.  _

_ Then again, the population of the human race is what...1208 people? If she gets out of hand I’m sure she could isolate herself in one of the many corners of the Ark. I guess she’s more useful alive than dead. Nevermind, just take Raven. _

_ I have no idea where my attention span has gone Bellamy, back to this being an uncle thing.  _

_ I can’t imagine Octavia being a mother anytime soon if I’m being honest. Even in five years we’ll all still be so young. It feels like it’s been so long since we first stepped off the dropship, but it’s been less than a year. Isn’t that fucking crazy. We’ve been through enough hell in the past year to last a lifetime.  _

_ I wonder if Praimfaya was it. You know一 the final ‘battle’ I guess. I doubt it, but what else is left for us to face? If we somehow managed to avoid civil war between the remainder of the twelve clans all those months ago, maybe we can finally be at peace?  _

_ Peace is such a loaded term. I’m guessing you and I’s definition of peace is the same, but completely different from the people in the bunker. Peace seems like the path to normalcy, but what if constant chaos is the new normal? Maybe we need to stop thinking of peace as the goal, life may be better. I feel like nothing we accomplish is ever gonna satisfy us because of our failures of the past. I know you’d tell me to stop having such high expectations and that getting through the day alive was good enough.  _

_ So here you go Bell, this is me saying ‘I got through today and promise to live another day’. 46 down. Many more to go.  _

  
  


─────

_ I found Jaspers MP3 player tucked away in one of the compartments of the Rover. It was covered in so much dirt and dust. I had to dig a bunch of mud out of the headphone jack, it was so gross. So as you probably can guess by my previous statement, the headphones themself are nowhere to be seen.  _

_ He has so much music on this thing it actually amazes me. Like there are 593 songs, all genres covered. I’ve spent the last couple hours trying to remember where he got it from, but then it hit me, he had taken it from Mount Weather. Wasn’t it Maya’s? _

_ That’s one of the things that sucks about being down here alone. There’s no one to keep me in check, to help me not drown in self-pity and guilt. But I’ve started to think that that’s what I need, to feel all the emotions I’ve had to shove down since our first days on Earth. I need to grieve. For my dad. For Wells. Finn. Lexa. Jasper. And everyone else we’ve lost.  _

_ It’s sad一 Jasper has playlists for all of us. All of the delinquents. Not Murphy though… I mean did they even know each other that well? Finn’s is pretty boring to be honest. Harper’s has a lot of slow songs. Miller has a pretty weird mix, surprisingly there’s quite a bit of country mixed into an otherwise rock heavy list. Monty’s and Raven’s are pretty similar; rock, pop, and a bit of electronic music (whatever that means). Octavia’s has rap and like really intense hard rock. I listen to it when I am doing strenuous activity, it really fires me up. Your playlist is probably the best though.  _

_ I wish I'd known that the MP3 player had been in here this whole time, we could’ve gotten Raven to put in some kind of speaker in here. Maybe she can do it once you guys come back down. I can imagine you and I screaming  _ Queen _ songs at the top of our lungs. Maybe ‘We Are the Champions’ since we lived through Praimfaya?  _

_ All of the songs in my playlist are so sad. Some of them sound upbeat, but the lyrics are so depressing. It freaked me out for a while. I just kept thinking, is that what Jasper thought of me?  _

_ That I am sad? _

_ So, I had to delete it. For my sanity.  _

_ It broke my heart to do. I just couldn’t live with the daily reminder of how I failed him.  _

_ I’m not trying to...you know, rope you into this by any means, but we didn’t fail him by pulling that lever at Mount Weather, we failed him after the fact. We all just sat back and let Jasper distance himself. I know we had so many things to worry about, but we owed it to him, to help him stay alive.  _

_ We should have noticed the last time those glasses were perched on his forehead. We should have noticed the light fading from his eyes. _

_ I feel like I’m about to cry Bellamy. Yet, this is good. This is what I meant by grieving.  _

_ It’s day 49 P.P. I thought of that nice acronym for ‘post Praimfaya’ yesterday night while I tried to fall asleep. I thought it was cute, so hopefully you think the same. I hope you are having a better time up there than I am. There has to be a record player or speaker up there somewhere. So listen to some _ Queen _ , I know you’d love it. _

_ Talk to you tomorrow Bellamy. _

─────

  
  


_ Today was horrible.  _

_ I found a village, on the opposite side of my original campsite. It’s beautiful. I know it’ll be a great place to live. Definitely not big enough for 1200+ people, but we can build more homes.  _

_ I wish I had good news to share.  _

_ I found a boy here. He hasn’t been dead for that long. I know it’s wrong to think, but could I have saved him had I gotten here quicker? He was a nightblood. His body looked very frail and it was covered in blood. He must have fallen and was unable to get up, plagued by hunger. You don’t want to hear this, I’m sure of it, but I need to talk about it.  _

_ He’s the only one here, I’ve found no more bodies. (I know Clarke actually burned the bodies but whatever) What if his parents knew he could survive Praimfaya so they left him here to survive while they went into the bunker. Do you think they’re counting down the days just like I am? You think they just unconsciously know that today marks 51 days since Praimfaya?  _

_ I buried him near a wild rose bush on the outskirts of the forest. It looked like a nice place to rest. I can’t believe I dug a grave for someone. I’ve lost more people than I can count, but I’ve never had to see them get buried. I think I may have pulled a muscle trying to start the hole. I can separate myself from the memory, but when that sharp pain returns, I just get pulled right back into the memory of his hopeless face. It’s a horrible cycle. And that’s why today was horrible.  _

_ I miss all of you.  _

_ You most of all. _

─────

_ Remember how I thought I saw something move at the lake the other day? Well I saw it again, well now I can safely say ‘it’ is a person. I still haven’t gotten the clearest view, but judging by their size, I think they’re a kid. I AM NOT ALONE BELLAMY! _

_ So I hope that makes you feel better because I just know you are up there wallowing and brooding.  _

_ I can’t seem to ever catch this kid though. Not like REALLY trapping them, I mean like catching this kid in a position where I can actually try to hold a conversation. A child that young shouldn’t be running through the woods all by themselves. This time I was distracted by my berries.  _

_ I need human contact Bellamy. I haven’t seen another human being, alive that is, in 57 days. I’m so happy that I am gonna have a friend now! _

  
  


─────

_ Bellamy, I do not yet have a friend. This demon-child tricked me into stepping in an animal trap. One of those ones that clamps around your ankle with spikes. Luckily for my ankle’s sake the metal was pretty rusted. Still hurt like a mother fucking bitch though. It weirdly reminded me of you. How you threatened to cut off my hand if I didn’t take off that wristband. They aren’t really similar at all, but I couldn’t help thinking of the memory. _

_ That’s why my calls over the past four days have been so cryptic. I had to stitch my wounds closed with sewing thread. Which took way too long because the string kept fraying, I ended up losing a lot of blood. For the first two days I faded in and out of consciousness all day. I remember hearing the sounds of the on and off buttons on the radio on the first day, but I’m almost certain never actually said anything. So I hope you had the ability to turn the sound down on my obnoxiously loud breathing. Or maybe you enjoyed it. I’d give anything to hear the sound of you breathing. _

_ Wait! Umm…sorry…that...umm came out really weird. I wish I knew how you were doing. To know you are still breathing. Still alive. And well. _

_ I’m not sure if I’m gonna be able to walk normally for a while. But, don’t fear! I have the best walking stick to assist me. Okay…a walking stick isn’t really gonna help, I need crutches but those aren’t feasible now.  _

_ I think the kid realized I was a nightblood, because she looked quite surprised to see black blood pouring out of my lower leg. Either that or she thought I was a demon of some kind. Maybe she’ll finish off the job sometime later. _

_ I’ve been drawing a lot lately. There’s tons of stuff left over in the village. I saw the girl admiring the paintings that I had set out to dry in the sun. So I drew a picture of her and left it near the stairs. A sign of friendship, I am praying that it does something.  _

─────

_ The girl’s name is Madi. At first I thought she hadn’t learned to speak but I think she was just shy. Luckily she speaks Trig. I just started teaching her English, which isn’t very easy. I literally She says she’s from the Shallow Valley clan. I guess that means I’m in the Shadow Valley, so pass that information on to Raven if that helps you know where to land. _

_ Have you ever heard of the Shallow Valley clan? They weren’t in the Conclave so they must have defected from another clan. Must have been allied with Trikru because we aren’t that far from Arkadia.  _

_ She’s has been alone for as long as I have. It breaks my heart, she woke up and all of her people were dead. I promised to give her the life that the Ark never let us have. One where she’s free to do anything and everything. She doesn’t deserve to go through what we went through, up on the Ark and down here. The world owes it to her. _

_ She’s already so excited to meet everyone from the bunker and hasn’t stopped talking about wanting to meet Murphy. I think they would be great friends both a bit too snarky and they’re both fighters. I’ve decided not to tell her about all of the bad things we’ve done. Some of the stuff is unavoidable though. Like she already knows about Octavia winning the Conclave. I told her about the Mountain Men.  _

_ Maybe when she’s older I’ll tell her that you and I pulled the lever that killed all of them. I can’t bear the thought of Madi looking at me differently after she discovers all the horrible things I’ve done. But for the first time in months I’ve felt good, or as good as I can be. Things are starting to look up.  _

_ I’ve found a tangible reason to live.  _

_ Goodnight Bellamy.  _

─────

_ HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLAMY! WOOOO!  _

_ Ok I assume it’s not actually your birthday, but Madi and I celebrated hers yesterday.  _

_ I told her that the hundred never celebrated birthdays because we never knew what day it was. And on the Ark a birthday just meant you were one year closer to being floated for reaching old age. The story of our lives is just so uplifting! _

_ She insists that we make up for all of our missed birthday celebrations. Apparently the Shallow Valley clan takes birthdays very seriously. A big week-long feast is held at the end of every month in honor of those who celebrated birthdays in that time frame. Everyone in the community attends and contributes some kind of food dish.  _

_ The previous owner of the house we are living in always brought something called ‘uciobage cake’, which Madi loves. Luckily all the ingredients are already here so we don’t have to venture too far out. Madi’s already so self sufficient it is unbelievable. I mean Bellamy─ she’s six and she made me cake.  _

_ Anyways the cake was so fucking good. It wasn’t really cake though, I don’t know how to describe it but I guess it’s more like sweet bread with jam on it? _

_ Oh yeah we’re also celebrating Murphy’s. We have to do two birthdays at a time because we don’t have enough stuff to make 10 cakes, including Madi and I. So, we’ve settled for five days of birthdays. Make sure to tell Murphy that we’re thinking about him and that we’re so proud that he’s survived this long! _

_ Have a good birthday Bell. _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the way pineapples are so fucking pissed about bob making the bellamy and clarke funko pops kiss on a zoom that none of them attended is hilarious. seriously... plastic figurines of their own characters in their own house. 
> 
> i hope i'll be back with another update on wednesday or thursday, so expect some more radio calls, but next time more of the emotional kind ;) plus the return of gabriel.
> 
> idk if this story actually interests anyone, but if you have thoughts i'd love to hear them and kudos are always greatly appreciated <3

**Author's Note:**

> i hope that made sense. more to come; radio calls and actual bellarke interactions!
> 
> i can't wait to be free from this fucking show and for the day i stop thinking about fanfiction ideas. anyways... maybe i'll write another chapter, maybe i won't ;)


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